When I wrote a scene in Season 2 of Special where my boyfriend defecates on me during intercourse (can I write that sentence in TIME?), I was writing that scene for 17-year-old me, who lost his virginity and actually did sh-t on his boyfriend in the process. Here’s how I can make sense of it: I write things that will act as a balm for a younger version of me. My debut novel, Just by Looking at Him, opens up with the line, “My boyfriend Gus has a beautiful penis.” And then proceeds to describe said beautiful penis in graphic detail. And it’s not just the medium of television that’s being terrorized by my gay smut. Why am I so obsessed with gay sex? Why do I feel the need to get naked in front of a room full of strangers? Why have I written a sex scene where I get faux-penetrated by a literal model? These are the kind of questions that float through my brain while I’m filming a sex scene. After writing and starring in my autobiographical Netflix show Special and now, Peacock’s reboot of Queer as Folk-two TV shows with plenty of sex-this happens more often than you’d think. “Why do I do this to myself?” is something I mutter every time I’m standing naked while a makeup artist paints over the zits on my butt.
